Slap those thighs and Carry On!
June 5, 2017
I have good days and bad ones. Of course, everyone does. For me, there are two types of good day/bad day scenarios. The first is physical, where I feel well, physically strong and active, long walks, cycling – pretty normal really, just as I used to be in my previous life. The corresponding bad day is me feeling sick, everything tasting like rotting cardboard, and massive lethargy.
The second good day/bad day scenario is my state of mind. Good days here are feeling that the chemo treatment is working, I’m mentally resilient, I feel cheery and positive, looking forward to seeing people and doing stuff – saying ‘Yes’ to as much as possible. The matching bad days are downbeat no-hopers with no mental capacity for anything other than a warm telly and a darkened room. These psychologically good and bad days can be regardless of how I feel physically. These bad days inevitably lead to me confronting The Fear.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, it was so profoundly shocking and unexpected that I almost instantly had to come to terms with the prospect of not having long to live – months rather than years. Now as my treatment continues my feelings are changing. I’m getting used to the idea of living with cancer. I’m getting used to the hospital visits – it’s no longer the terrifying place it was at first. And I’m starting to hope that the chemo is succeeding in doing it’s thing – stopping the cancer growing. I may have years ahead of me instead of months.
Then I remember. I have nothing yet on which to base these thoughts, other than feeling good on the good days. Just slap that thigh, be cheery and Carry On!
On bad days that’s when The Fear looms back into my consciousness. If this was a dream I’d be going over a cliff. The Fear says the treatment isn’t working. The Fear says it’s spreading, it’s worse not better. The Fear says I have weeks to live not even months. Years? Ha!
The Fear is at the back of everyone’s minds. It’s not there just for ill people, although it’s in sharper focus for some of us. After all, life itself is terminal. We all fear The Fear whatever our circumstances. We all want to survive, to live our lives fully, happily and productively with as many days, weeks, months and years ahead of us as we can possible have.
My first CT scan since my treatment started is due soon. Whatever it reveals will be a major turning point for me. I hope it’s a good day.
Talking of slapping thighs, here’s me on a good good day 🙂