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Slap those thighs and Carry On!

June 5, 2017

I have good days and bad ones. Of course, everyone does. For me, there are two types of good day/bad day scenarios. The first is physical, where I feel well, physically strong and active, long walks, cycling – pretty normal really, just as I used to be in my previous life. The corresponding bad day is me feeling sick, everything tasting like rotting cardboard, and massive lethargy.

The second good day/bad day scenario is my state of mind. Good days here are feeling that the chemo treatment is working, I’m mentally resilient, I feel cheery and positive, looking forward to seeing people and doing stuff – saying ‘Yes’ to as much as possible. The matching bad days are downbeat no-hopers with no mental capacity for anything other than a warm telly and a darkened room. These psychologically good and bad days can be regardless of how I feel physically. These bad days inevitably lead to me confronting The Fear.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, it was so profoundly shocking and unexpected that I almost instantly had to come to terms with the prospect of not having long to live – months rather than years. Now as my treatment continues my feelings are changing. I’m getting used to the idea of living with cancer. I’m getting used to the hospital visits – it’s no longer the terrifying place it was at first. And I’m starting to hope that the chemo is succeeding in doing it’s thing – stopping the cancer growing. I may have years ahead of me instead of months.

Then I remember. I have nothing yet on which to base these thoughts, other than feeling good on the good days. Just slap that thigh, be cheery and Carry On!

On bad days that’s when The Fear looms back into my consciousness. If this was a dream I’d be going over a cliff. The Fear says the treatment isn’t working. The Fear says it’s spreading, it’s worse not better. The Fear says I have weeks to live not even months. Years? Ha!

The Fear is at the back of everyone’s minds. It’s not there just for ill people, although it’s in sharper focus for some of us. After all, life itself is terminal. We all fear The Fear whatever our circumstances. We all want to survive, to live our lives fully, happily and productively with as many days, weeks, months and years ahead of us as we can possible have.

My first CT scan since my treatment started is due soon. Whatever it reveals will be a major turning point for me. I hope it’s a good day.

 

Talking of slapping thighs, here’s me on a good good day 🙂

 

25 Comments
Jo
08:37 July 1, 2017

That picture looks like a very good day indeed. :) Sending love and keeping everything crossed for an even better 'scan day'. X

Tony S
22:45 June 20, 2017

Cannondale Synapses Bike, good choice!

Lesley
14:06 June 7, 2017

I hope it is a good day too Steve. Sorry we didn't get to talk when I was in the UK. I will be back in September and hope to catch up will you then. Meanwhile I am following your blogs with great admiration and love

    Steve
    10:14 June 8, 2017

    Thank you Leslie, it will be great to catch up with you!

Bridget
17:23 June 6, 2017

Nice to see cycling kit colour co-ordination with the trees . . . . . :D xx

    Steve
    13:47 June 7, 2017

    Ah Brij, it took me years to realise how important that is!

Rob Walters
16:32 June 6, 2017

You are right and very lucid about it Steve, those thoughts, doubts and fears are all of ours too! It's the time scales, none of us know so we hope for years! You are also 100% right about making the most of the goods days! Keep those thighs slapping!

    Steve
    13:47 June 7, 2017

    Thank you Rob, yes it's all about appreciating every moment!

Josephine
09:17 June 6, 2017

Thank you for writing this and sharing it Steve. Wishing you and the family an abundance of good/good xxx Jo

    Steve
    11:33 June 6, 2017

    Thank you!

Sacha
07:52 June 6, 2017

Is it true that slapping thighs sheathed in lycra is so much more satisfying? (All the best Dude)

    Steve
    11:34 June 6, 2017

    As true as I live and breathe!

fiona kaye
07:48 June 6, 2017

Looking hot Steve ! x

Neale James
07:14 June 6, 2017

You're an incredible shining light to me Steve, and as much as that may sound like a cliché I really mean it. Plus your bike is better than mine. And it's all colour coordinated with your lycra. And your calves are more toned. I'm going to echo Will's thoughts about keeping strong and beating this. x

    Steve
    11:35 June 6, 2017

    Ah thank you Neale! Yes colour coordinated cycling apparel is vital - it's an aesthetic activity!

Ruth
06:51 June 6, 2017

I am slapping my thighs for you , today and every day x

    Steve
    11:36 June 6, 2017

    It's the thing to do! xx

Leanne
21:36 June 5, 2017

Once again a profound and illuminating post. Thank you for sharing. Xx

    Steve
    11:36 June 6, 2017

    Thank you Leanne.

Juliet
20:11 June 5, 2017

Wishing you many good days both physically and psychologically x

    Steve
    11:36 June 6, 2017

    Thank you :)

Will
18:07 June 5, 2017

Keep strong and beat this xx

    Steve
    11:37 June 6, 2017

    That's my plan! Cheers mate!

Suz
17:48 June 5, 2017

Steve! I don't know how I have missed this news until now - perhaps only now flagged due to my liking for "thighs" ???? Sending you and yours all our very best wishes and our highest hopes for awesome news at the scan. All our love, Suz & Ricky xx

    Steve
    11:38 June 6, 2017

    Thank you both, lovely to hear from you. Thighs are the way forward!

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