It’s Life, Captain, Just Not As We Know It

June 13, 2017

Captain’s Log – Supplemental

We have arrived in orbit around the planet Chemoland in the remote Cancerius System. Orbiting the mysterious planet has had several unexpected side-effects on my crew – the most inconvenient is uncontrollable flatulence. This has caused a large breach in the ozone layer immediately above the city of Stalban.

I have sent a distress call to Starfleet, and as we have to wait three months for a reply, I have no choice but to issue this edict with immediate effect:

There appears to be three main types of reaction. The Silent But Deadly, The Toot, and worst of all, The Trump. You must think carefully and strategically when managing each of these side-effects.

The SBD is sub-sonic, and is permitted in enclosed spaces when in company, in restaurants, cinemas, in the holodeck, in shops and while travelling in vehicles and shuttles. Expect quizzical looks and some condemnatory responses from those nearby. The SBD is relatively harmless, and can often go unattributed.

A Toot is sonically abrasive, can take the form of a squeak or a rumble. If you think a Toot is imminent, absent yourself from company at once and seek a noisy environment. Toots in streets, rail platforms and shuttle termini are all permitted, and in areas where there are large gatherings of people. Garden centres are ideal, if only to be amongst people facing the same problem. If no inherently noisy area can be reached in time, seek the nearest quiet space away from other crew members. Under no circumstances is it permitted to Toot in check-out queues, while waiting in line for transportation, in the calm area around your workspace, or in emotional moments in cinemas.

A Trump is violent and extremely voluble. It needs maximum vigilance and should be treated as a potential disaster for crew or civilians in close proximity. A Trump is almost uncontrollable, can erupt without warning, and has the most appalling fallout. If you suspect a Trump is imminent, quickly and calmly make your way to an isolated area, preferably one with double or triple screening, well away from people and animals. The Trump has the most damaging effect on the environment. We know that a good Trump is a myth, so brace yourselves for a shocking and unpredictable outcome. A Trump in company is strictly forbidden and any one endorsing a Trump in the company of crew or civilians will be quarantined.

That is all. Please return to your duties.


The following images are from a recent excursion to the planet surface.


Helen Abraham
07:29 June 21, 2017

Great! Made me laugh so much. You have as brilliant a grasp on language as imagery.

Caroline Greatley
09:04 June 14, 2017

I was laughing out loud by the end

fiona kaye
17:17 June 13, 2017

Totally hilarious !

Eva-Maria Withey
15:41 June 13, 2017

Steve, Reading this post did make me smile and I think you are truly magnificent for dealing what you are dealing with with such humour and patience. Steve and I were truly devastated when we heard your news and we're praying and sending positive thoughts constantly. Lots of love, Eva Withey

14:42 June 13, 2017

Fabulous St. Eve......what a blast and not even blowing your own "trump"et...... You manage to make the crazy comical and there's the thing, the humour is as the SBD, silent and well you know! Love the humour in the words and the pictures and the ability to laugh in the face of it is paramount, thank you for making it so. The excursions to the planet surface are definitely required and regularly so step onto the holodeck and beam down again... ;) Brilliant!


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